Thunderstorms

To add to my eccentric behavior I have recently invested in free audio books… well, I guess if they are free they are not really an investment…

Either way, I currently am working through the Gospel of Mark and for better or for worse I have started listening to it before I go to bed. My reasoning: listening to the Bible before bed cannot have any adverse effects.

The nameless voice reaches out to me. She is slow and steady. She is not someone to fear. I am usually asleep after one chapter. (this is a slow reading process).

But tonight it is thunder storming out. So I turned off my audio book and listened to the rain fall for awhile. In the summers when I was a little girl I used to push my bed against the window so I could open it and feel the breeze. A summer rainstorm was always pleasant: a long awaited friend really.

All this to say… I find funny parallels between the rain and my recent encounter with the Gospel of Mark. A coincidental lapse in time… like the presence of summer rain is somehow an actualization that God must exist.

I still see the dark shadows of car lights passing across the walls of my bedroom.

I still feel alone between the sheets of my bed.

Even in my childhood I was faced with the unbroken promise of death. In even worse news, the actualization of my own death is now coupled with a vast inclination that I am really a terrible person… that with every breath of air my life hangs in the balances of good and evil.

I contend that even if I didn’t exist the rain would still fall. That life would still benefit from the thunder, the rolling cloulds, and the soft wet earth. Therefore, existence must lay somewhere outside of my subjective conciousness.

But now I am edging on something that could most certainly be debated. Contended. And really, a debate would miss the point I am trying to make completely. It’s the aesthetic experience I am writing about tonight. I am always faced with my own contradiction.

Counting the light thunder and in hope of deeper breathing,

K

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~ by kmconrad on April 24, 2009.

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