Unedited

Sometimes I think about you and I feel sad. That round about way of always falling in and out of love with you and hating every moment, truth, and lie. Sometimes I think about you and all I want to do is throw all my belongings out the window and move away to a warm place with new faces, yellow sand, yellow sun and scream at the top of my lungs GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE YOU ARE RUINING EVERY MOMENT OF IT and I hate myself for loving you and not loving you right and feeling like I am all mixed up inside like pieces of an unsolvable jigsaw puzzle all mashed up with hope and redemption. Most of the time I fail you and it feels good and I love the way your feelings burn under my disapproval and again I shout GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE YOU ARE RUINING EVERY MOMENT OF IT and this time with a smile tack on a little bit of an upturned heel and edge. I hate it when you are right and I am wrong and the fact that I learn anything at all from you kind of stuns me. Profound. Relax. At Lose. For Anything of Value. I hate myself when I am around you and thinking about you and wanting you and not being able to have you because of me and all my uncertainty and never completely allowing myself any of the possibilities of falling into you and believing that there is only darkness at the end of this gravel road. Buried underneath all the complications of the simple desire to do well and to love deep do you even see me when I am in front of you? Do you even see me? Too much to handle too busy to care over out and around everywhere avoiding the conversations that would lead me to you. I want to hate you because loving you is just too damn hard.

I am out of time and you are trying my patience and I am wasting your space.

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~ by kmconrad on May 25, 2009.

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